kimberry33's Diaryland Diary

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beware the march of ideas

i like the thought of sentences marching around my brain like an escher painting.

my fiance's friend is what i like to call "a big bucket of crazy". she and her husband are separated and live together, but they continue to fuck and show up at the same things together. at the same time, she trash-talks him and tells us all their secrets. like he wets the bed. like he wet our guest bed when they crashed here after a party and they took our bedding (including a feather mattress) to have it laundered. she told us that she jacked him off with her feet one day because she was too lazy to give him a hand job. so if anyone i know didn't already know this was me from the crazy mom stories, they sure do now.

so she 'resigned' from her job teaching because of 'inappropriate relationship with student' (nonsexual) and then continues to hang out with all of these young people. it makes me really uncomfortable because of the other rumors going around. my job makes me a mandated reporter of any kind of abuse; i could go to jail if i fail to report things involving minors. including statutory. when she talks about her young friends, whom she claims are all over 18, i cringe and try not to listen to details because i don't want to be stuck in the awkward position of getting her arrested.

so last night was our pub crawl, as i'm sure it was for many other places, and we all go out to have a good time. and i did have a decently good time. we stayed in just one bar for once and didn't do much crawling. sat and drank beer for about five hours listening to a musician i halfway like. crazy is with us; husband shows up later. then he disappears. she starts getting angry and is going on and on about him 'abandoning' her. she continues to get upset when she realizes he didn't pay his tab; she refuses to do so and i back her up on that. but the 'abandoning' her part kept going on forever. things like this make me really uncomfortable. i told him at christmas that i would prefer to keep him. he's pretty cool and laid back.

situations like this are why i tend to disappear when my relationships end. i do not pretend that my ex's friends will continue to be loyal to me. i don't pretend that having both of us around will be 'fine' and that we can 'still be friends'. i can't do that shit. i just go. i tell people that i'm sorry and that they won't be hearing from me again due to the awkwardness, and i just leave. and they really don't ever hear from me again. eventually, they all find me on the internet and make some effort at being cool or apologizing, but i really don't have any use for people i used to sleep with. i've kept one ex in my days of dating. and he's a special circumstance.

i feel like there's a reason why we became exes. i feel like, if we could just be friends, then we could have continued dating. and if we can no longer date, then we can't possibly be friends. i fully believe 99% of exes will tell their friends all of your secrets. i fully believe that they break the confidentiality that comes with dating. i really don't need people in my life knowing that i struggle with mom issues and that sometimes i cry for no reason. that's what i have you for.

i feel like there's more dignity and grace in taking a swift exit, in not sticking around to talk trash about each other to each other's friends, in just picking up your stuff and going on with your life. more self respect there. because big bucket of crazy is showing me what other people think of psycho-ex. you didn't come to the bar together. you don't live together. we're all sitting together 'as friends'. so fucking what if he leaves and doesn't say shit? he didn't say bye to me either; i didn't expect him to.

my fiance plays the hero when people are upset. he tries to 'fix' their problems. it kills me. i just want a hug, a kiss on the forehead, and a "gosh that must suck for you. you really seem upset". i don't want (or need) him to fix my shit. but he persists and i remind him of my preferences every time i get upset. just comfort me. give me some sympathy. i'll fix it myself. so he tries to fix her shit last night, forgetting in his drunkenness that we can hear him talking on the phone on the porch as we sat inside on the couch. it irritated her as much as it did me. what can you do, you know? and pretty much, her husband said "what do you want me to do about it?" hah. good point.

anyway, i know there were times that i was the psycho girlfriend or psycho ex when i was younger. it's nice to think that maybe those days are over. i've done a great job of walking away and leaving them the fuck alone. and i can feel the difference. (crying and making a scene v. going home and crying in private). good choice.

9:09 p.m. - 15 March 2009

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