kimberry33's Diaryland Diary

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

and then she's back.

four years of trying other things instead of writing here. things keep coming back to my mind. for a while, the rush of saying it face-to-face was refreshing, but saying dark things to people in your life can be stifling.

my fiance just told me i need to get some help. i've been struggling with a round of depression for about six weeks, since right before he proposed to me. the stress of wedding planning and working for a company who is struggling in economic crisis has weighed me down.

it would be different if i had a mom, i think. or if i had a mom who was worth talking to. i have made changes in my life since my life was here. i moved to literatewit, then to myspace, and now i'm back. life seems to come full circle in many ways, and it always seems to come back to mom issues.

my mom has always been unbalanced. for many years, my life was folie a deux. i just thought her version of the world was right. as children we do that, we think that the adults are correct. after all, what kind of insanity would life be if our adults were wrong? how could we feel safe if the adults who are in charge of us have absolutely no sense of judgement?

so i am back to process these things. that all my life, she abused me mentally and allowed me to be abused in other ways by people in our lives. that she would still continue to hurt me if i hadn't changed my number. that i have lost an entire half of my family because i can't deal with her. that the stress of her literally makes me physically ill. i'll talk about that later.

today is my birthday. i turned 29 today. i didn't really think i'd make it past Kurt Cobain, so the past two years have been a surprise. all of the birthday memories have flooded me. my own mother didn't bother being present for my 16th birthday. she showed up 2 hours late with a house full of teenagers. what kind of parenting is that? the video of my birthday that one of my friends shot shows her arrival. prior to that, loud music, movies, dancing. thank god i've mostly been a good person.

my 18th birthday was after her 5th marriage; she restricted the guest list because her husband was a pretentious dick.

my 14th birthday, my first party with boys over. my grandmother gives me towels. bath towels. and announces to everyone "that's because you always complain the towels are too small." i was so ashamed. i always complained the towels were too small because i didn't own a bathrobe and wasn't allowed to take up bathroom time to get dressed in there, and my brother and his friends would make remarks about my body when i took the short distance to my room. a bathrobe would have been nice. or something normal families might say "for your hope chest" or some shit.

my fiance comes from a normal family. his parents have been married over 30 years. his grandparents just celebrated their 60th wedding anniversary. they have nice manners. no one uses drugs. no one gets arrested. they offer me a seat and a cold drink and ask me how i'm doing. and it's so odd to me that there are still families like that. i think that's a lot of the reason why my fiance doesn't quite understand the periods of depression.

i feel like a pretender to the throne. i feel like a fraud. i'm trying to be a normal adult who has a real job and pays her bills and doesn't break the law. i'm trying to have a nice relationship with a nice guy who also has his shit (mostly) together. i'm afraid of being found out. i feel lucky to be where i am in life, because i come from a family of screw-ups. and it's really hard to cope with normality. i worry constantly whether or not i'm doing what i'm supposed to, whether it's good enough. i try to let it go, but the insecurities get to me sometimes.

i didn't want to do anything for my birthday but he made me. rather, he insisted on taking me out and doing nice things with me because he thought it would cheer me up. he thought it was birthday malaise. so he takes me to dinner and drops $130 bucks on it. we went to a museum. we had a friend go with us to take our engagement pictures in the park. it was all very nice, but i felt shitty the whole time. it's hard to have a good time when you feel like you don't deserve it. and he's so good to me and so nice to me and so kind and caring and he's exactly the kind of person i want to marry. but i don't feel like i deserve it right now, because i'm depressed and irritable and it's hard to deal with.

so i came back. i came back to get all of the ick out. i came back because this is where i started and this is home and it's safe and because you know me here. and it's still ok because you've always put up with it before. and i'll keep coming back as long as it takes to get this bullshit out of me so i can go enjoy my happy, normal goddamn life.

7:32 p.m. - 08 March 2009

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

previous - next